DYING ON THE INSIDE

IT HAS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I HAVE BEEN ON HERE, BUT I NEED TO JUST TYPE AND TRY NOT TO CRY..

MY TRINITY ASK ME THIS MORNING, MOMMA AM I GOING TO DIE YOUNG.  I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO CHOKE TO DEATH, I CRIED AND GRABBED HER AND WE CRIED TOGETHER.  I HAVE CRIED ALL DAY.  THIS IS KILLING ME.  MY BABY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.  THE REASON SHE ASK ME IS BECAUSE, YESTERDAY WE WENT TO A CF FUNDRAISER AND A 21 YEAR OLD GIRL SPOKE AND SHE SAID SOME STUFF THAT I DON'T DISCUSS WITH MY BABIES.  MY BABY, MY BABY, WHY DOES SHE NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THIS.

MY HUSBAND CAME IN BEHIND ME IN THEIR ROOM AND HE JUST HUGGED ME.  HE SAID YOU CAN'T DO THIS, OUR BABIES ARE FINE.. I SAID TO HIM EARLIER TODAY, GREG WHAT IF I LOSE MY BABIES.  I CAN'T DO THIS.  I TOLD HIM, GREG YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE MY LIFE.  HE SAID STOP.

GOD, PLEASE GOD, CURE MY BABIES.  YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO IT.  MY GIRLS ARE MY WORLD.. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE NOT HEARING THEIR LITTLE VOICES, NOT SEEING THEIR LITTLE FACES, NOT HEARING THEM FIGHT.. I SHOULD NOT BE THINKING ABOUT ANY OF THIS.. MY BABIES SHOULD NOT BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS.  WE WERE DOING SO GREAT AND THEN ONE THING MADE HER ASK ME THAT QUESTION. 

TRINITY AND PYPER, IF YOU EVER READ THIS -- PLEASE KNOW I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.  YOU GIRLS ARE MY WORLD.  I AM READY TO WALK AWAY FROM IT ALL TO BE ABLE TO STAY AT HOME WITH YOU GIRLS FOREVER.  TODAY MADE ME REALIZE, I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU BOTH.  I COULD CARELESS IF I EVER WORKED AGAIN.  TAKING CARE OF BOTH OF YOU IS WHAT MATTERS THE MOST.  I LOVE YOU TWO MORE THAN ANYTHING... YOU GIRLS ARE MY ROCK, YOU MAKE ME BREATHE...

FORGIVE ME FOR MY SADNESS.  THIS IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE ME FIGHT HARDER FOR MY BABIES... I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS.  JUST GIVING MYSELF ALITTLE PEP TALK..

OH MY GOD, MAKE IT GO AWAY.. THE PAIN IN MY HEART... TRINITY AND PYPER I AM SO SORRY I GAVE YOU THIS... WOULD I CHANGE IT, HELL NO.. I WOULDNT GIVE MY TWO LITTLE MONSTERS UP FOR NOTHING... DO I WISH YOU DIDNT HAVE IT, YES, BUT IF THAT MEANT NOT HAVING YOU, THEN NO WAY.. GOD DOESNT GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE.. GOD KNEW WHEN HE MADE ME YOUR MOTHER, HE KNEW I WOULD FIGHT AND I WOULD DIE FOR YOU BOTH...  OMG, I LOVE U TWO WITH EVERY BREATH I BREATHE... 

I AM DYING ON THE INSIDE
MARTIE TURNER