Memories made but never forgotten!!!!!

As I sit here and look at our home here on Jason Court, the memories come rushing back.  We have lived here almost 18 years.  I can remember signing papers with Greg before we moved in.  I can remember coming to look at this house with a realtor.  I remember loving it and I still do.  This house holds so many memories for us.  Good, bad, and scary.  We will be moving soon and we are ready but our memories here will never be forgotten. 

I brought Trinity and Pyper both home here. I can remember holding Trinity when she weighed less than five pounds in my arms and crying because we had no idea what was wrong.  I remember praying to God for help.  I can remember the call that told me Pyper was diabetic.  I can remember seeing my husband laying on front porch with his face covered and crying.  I can remember sitting under the trees in the front yard and playing with her while I died on the inside.  I can remember having huge birthday parties, blow ups, and toys everywhere.  I can remember Greg and the girls riding four wheelers in the area behind the house and wrecking.  lol.  I can remember our many talks in this house.  I can remember crying, laughing, screaming, and fighting in this house.  If these walls could talk, they would say this family lived, loved, and their strength is amazing.  I can remember bringing Bacca home and being closed in the side door because he tried to run out to be with us.  I can remember the day that tooth on Elvis was looking at me through the side door begging to come in.  I can remember the day we put pool in and the fun we have had with it.  I can remember Greg sleeping almost everyday taking naps here.  I can remember praying sometimes for a miracle in this house for our girls. 

This house has seen so much.  I wish a video would come with this house when we left.  Oh the memories from that would be amazing.  Our life is changing and before long we will be moving our oldest hopefully to college within two or so years.  Life changes!! make memories, love hard, and never forget the true meaning of love.  True unconditional love.  When we finally pull out of this neighborhood I pray I don't lose it.  I pray for God to continue to guide us with our girls and our lives.  I pray for the same miracle everyday. 

Here are dates I will never forget.  February 2000 when we bought this house.  October 14th, 2000 was the date when I married my bestfriend. On March 26th, 2002 our first amazing blessing entered this world.  She was under stress and the doctor had to get her out right then.  Another time is November 15th, 2006 when another strong, beautiful, fighter entered this world not breathing very well on her own.  We all came home to this house.  I remember first crawls, first steps, laughs, giggles, first low blood sugar with an ambulance call which was me when I about chewed my tongue off right after we got married.  Greg thought I was dying.  It is funny now but  at the time, not so much.  lol.  I can remember Pypers first low and the ambulance call.  I can still picture myself in that moment and see everything going on around me and not being able to fix it.  I can remember Trinity praying on her hands and knees for her sister to be ok.  I can remember Greg saying I have got his under control.  I can remember screaming at him to call now.  Please call now!!!! God was with us at that time and I will never forget it.  Hold your memories tight. 

So as we start a new chapter in our lives I pray for guidance, I pray for more amazing memories, and I pray for us to be ok.  So onward and upward crazy Turner family.   We will begin our new memories in January and I can't wait for what the future holds for us.   I can tell you with 2018, will come a lot of changes for us.  New home, the big sweet 16 for my oldest, and middle school for my baby.  2018 might kill me.  lol.  So let the memories begin again...

Old memories will last a life time and the new ones will follow along with the old.  We are a strong family who loves hard!!!! Wherever we go, we will be together and always have each others back.  One unit, one family, and one bond that is unbreakable!!!!! To the new family coming in: make memories, love hard, and enjoy every minute with the ones you love.  I pray this home gives you the same blessings it has given us.  It changed our lives forever.  This home made us a family.  This home made us complete.  It made the Crazy Turner family of 4+2 dogs... This house is made with love and strength!!!!!

To one end that will never be forgotten!!!!!

Love,


The Crazy Turners

love letter

Have you ever thought about why god picked you for this journey? Have you ever thought about what your life means to you, or your husband's life, or your children's lives?  I never think about me.  I only think about my girls and my husband.  I am ok with the saying: God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers because I know my kids are the definition of strength and fight.  Life is what you make it.  Life is a battle everyday whether you are healthy or you have a condition that makes breathing hard.  I see everyday as a miracle, a blessing, and a journey i don't want to miss.  I want my girls to see the world, I want them to experience all of life's blessings.  I want them to experience prom, graduation, driving, boyfriends, love, fear, college, marriage, and so much more.  I am on this journey to see that.  I am a mom to two of the most amazing little girls in the world.  I am the strength that pushes when my girls may not like it.  I am the mother who stays in the background, who cries behind closed doors, and who has so much in her heart for the 3 most important people in my life.
CF I am going to write you a love letter.

Dear CF,

I know you don't care about me the way I care about you. I know you want to hurt me and bring me to my knees. I know you are in love with both my girls lungs. I can't hate you because those lungs you mess with are my world. They are my life. CF you bring pain with you every time you show your ugly head. You bring tears, sadness, and madness. I watch my Pyper wheeze almost everyday and cry with me when I can't fix it. I try to hide in my room and keep it to myself but that little girl knows me as much as I understand her.
CF you take fun, you take sleep, you take stress to a whole new level. You give me anxiety attacks, panic attacks wake me when I sleep because I worry non stop. You are mean, you show no remorse, and you are only out to hurt. Guess what? I want let you. This love story I have with you is because my girls have you apart of them. So I will love you because you are apart of them but if I could get my hands around your neck, I would kill you and go to jail for the rest of my life. I would make you struggle, almost stop your breathing, cause you tears, and oxygen drops. I would hurt you because you hurt the two most important people in my life. Yep, I am that mom who would not shed one tear for you. I would look you straight in the face and blow you away with not an ounce of sadness. I have watched you take loved ones, watched you cause horrific pain, and watched you show no mercy to parents.  I want to cuss you and fight you and drop to my knees when I can't do it anymore but I see two little girls watching me and those two little hearts keep me being ok with you. God picked me because I am mean, I am quiet, but I am strength when nobody sees it. I want stop fighting you until a cure is found and my girls outlive me. I want stop fighting you until my girls are ok. I want stop fighting you until CF stands for cure found. So back off this love story because our love story is amazing with you and we want let you stop it. Our family of 4 rocks. My love story is my girls and whatever comes with them. My love story is strength, fight, and fun times with my girls. This love story is priceless!!! This love story is unbreakable. So CF you are here but we will see you gone. We will see you leave and never come back because god knows we need that cure and it will happen because giving up isn't an option.



Yours truly

A mom in love with her two CF fighters

I am not weak!!!!!

Yesterday was one of those days that takes you to your knees.  The CF community lost a beautiful sole.  A fighter until the very end.  A lot of people don't understand how a person you have never met can impact your life so much.  As a lot of you are aware: both my girls have Cystic Fibrosis.  So needless to say my heart breaks every time I see a person with this disease suffer.  I look at my two girls and I see absolute love, joy, happiness, and faith.  I am strong because of them.  I have realized a lot the last year of my life.  I actually realized the day I became a mother that what I wanted and needed are two totally different things.

I never want to miss anything with my girls.  I don't want to miss one track meet, one football Friday night, one drum lesson, one basketball game, etc.etc.  I have missed a few the last two weeks and it kills me.  So many people tell me you need to work, you need to let go, you need to have a life.  Thanks for your information but being a mom is my number one.  I see that in almost 15 years of Trinity's life we have done something right with her Cystic Fibrosis.  Not going to put down because I don't speak on it.  We stay positive and keep our heads up, and I push them.  Greg and I push our girls.  Some may say we shouldn't but we do for a reason.  We never want them to give up hope.  I am a no bull crap kinda woman.  Always have been.  I speak the truth.  I tell my girls the truth.  I don't sugar coat anything with them because that is a lie.  My girls know with me they get honesty.  Sometimes Trinity doesn't like it but I do it because I want her and Pyper to always know I will give them the truth, even if it hurts sometimes.

Last year I started having tremors and shaking when I went back to work.  I was tested with an mri thinking parkinsons, or something else. We also did an extensive work up on my thyroid thinking it was that again. Then I was told I have essential tremors.  I was put on medicine and nothing helped except being in my house with my kids and husband.  I finally started realizing that I am suffering from anxiety attacks.  This is not something I would ever think would happen to me.  I never let stuff get to me.  It is like I can't control my adrenaline level.  When I go to watch Trinity run track, my legs shake, my insides jerk, and my hands start shaking.  I literally have to talk myself off the ledge.  I don't sleep a lot, my mind never stops, and I am constantly worried about my girls.  I am trying to get me back.  I am on medicine now and I see some improvements but not enough yet.  I have always had my shit together and this last year, I haven't felt like me at all.  I can feel myself start to get uncomfortable in Walmart in crowds or when I am standing in line and someone gets close.  I hate being at gym and someone getting on treadmill beside me.  They are in my space.  I hate it.  I don't mind my husband which is weird but he is my comfort and so are my kids.  I told Greg I realized that I am most comfortable at home, with them, and in Foodlion.  GO figure.  lol.  My comfort places.  Why can't it be a tropical island?  My sister told me along time ago she can't believe I am not in a padded room with all I have on me.  lol.  Not going to happen.  I will take medicine even though I hate it because medicine makes me feel like I am a failure, like I can't get better without help, and it makes me feel weak.  One thing I am not is WEAK!!!!!!

Trinity and Pyper are doing good.  Pyper has missed a lot of school this year but she is still in and that is a huge blessing.  I think sometimes I have kept her home when I should send her with a runny nose but I am not one of those moms.  lol. She is loving her friends, school, drums, and gymnastics.   Trinity is on the move.  Football games, basketball games, band, and track, gymnastics and then we start over.  She amazes me everyday because she is constantly moving.  We are working on getting her back to tip top shape. She seems to be feeling better now and we are grateful for that.  Her mile run she did on Thursday at track meet was 7 minutes and 41 seconds.  Not her best at all because last year she was 6 minutes and 56 seconds.  She was disappointed in herself but like I told Greg, she doesn't realize how amazing she is.  She has a lung disease and can run like that and she has been sick and the track meet was freezing that day.  To me: she is a rock star.  Heck I can't run one lap without dying.  She is amazing.  Greg has been pushing himself hard to get to her time last year. Umm, he has got 7 minutes and 7 seconds.  Good for an old man but Trinity still has him.  lol.  He amazes me because he pushes Trinity to get better.  He is a beast workout wise.

The Turners are doing good.  A few bumps in the road but we are on the move.  All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and try.  Try everyday to get better, be better, and make the best of everyday.  My words of wisdom are: Be the change, be the smile, be the light for someone because you never know what someone is thinking, how someone feels, or what may be going on with them.  BE THE CHANGE!!!! Oh and love.

Dedicated mom and wife
Martie

This CF battle doesnt need to be negative. Only positive

I just told my husband that I have something on my mind.  Someone today said that CF is inevitably going to take your life if you have it.  Death rate is 100 percent.  Don't do that.  Don't say that.  Don't be negative.  Yes, I get it.  CF is brutal. CF is a beast. It is a nightmare.  Its that fight you want to win all the time.  Yes it is hard.  Yes it is what we all want cured but think about the little kids who look up to you.  Who think you are great... I have an issue with that.  That is my cross to bare but I don't like that you said that. 
The CF world is so hard.  The loss is great but my life is greater.  I am a mother to two of the most amazing little girls in the world who see life as a joy, who see their mom smile everyday or scream depending on my mood just because they are acting crazy.  They see good.  Don't ruin something for them.  Be positive.  I know a lot of people are very negative on this disease b/c it doesn't always have a great outcome.  My world is my two girls.  Two CF children. Two different battles even though they have the same disease.  They are so different.  One is doing fabulous, on the road to being a cheerleader in middle school, getting backhand springs at gymnastics, and smiling everyday and acting crazy just like her daddy.  My youngest has a bigger battle. Not only does she battle CF, but asthma, type 1 diabetes, center pain, neuropathy pain, etc. and she is loving life even though everyday something knocks her down.  She is my strong willed child.  She will fight me to the depth of everything.  She is fighting so much, she gets mad, she screams, she says I cant do it which drives me crazy b/c in our house, there is no I can't.  Only I cans.  She is her daddy and his attitude side.  Poor greg is taking the blame but I will take the blame on pyper and her attitude b/c it is me, and trinity is me in my nurturing side.  She loves big and has a huge heart. Get mad at me and I will tell you I don't care because saying stuff like that only makes it hard on the younger generation.   Be positive.  My kids know what CF can do.  I don't sugar coat anything,  They know the life it can deal you.  The only thing I can do is raise them to do all their treatments, and take all their medicines and try to do their best.   Remember be positive even though you want to be negative but remember you have little eyes, and ears who think you are amazing and the journey you go on with CF... Love, Smile, and send positive vibes to those who are still in this battle.  Who fight everyday.  Who want to live. 

As I said, Trinity is doing pretty good.  Running a 8 minute mile with her daddy at the gym and doing gymnastics and cheer.  Pyper has a different battle but we are working on making her life great like her sisters.  Trinity is getting ready to start the new medicine Orkambi and I hope this medicine makes her life so much better.  Love hard, Smile a lot, and make memories that last a life time.  God gives you one life. Make memories with the ones who care.  The ones who love you through every step of your battle.  I am a home body, I love my girls and hubby with every ounce of my being.  I only want to be with them and sometimes my family gets mad at me and that is ok.  I get it but my heart is them.  My life is them.  My world revolves around my girls and hubby.  My only smile, my only heart, my only life I get is this one and I want it to be surrounded by my life and I do that everyday. 
This CF battle I do two times everyday.  I take it to heart.  I want give up b/c my cargo I worry about is my life.  my two girls who mean everything to me.  They are my reason I breathe.  Stay positive on this journey called life... Pray often, smile a lot and make memories that last a life time.  I have one life and I am going to make god proud of me. He may say momma you need to live a little and step back from your kids but I can't do that.  My one job that I take to heart is being a mom and wife.  I love hard, I cry hard and I fight hard. 
Don't give up hope. 
All my love,
Mom of two of the most amazing cfers on the planet. 
Martie

a change is coming!!!!!

In less than a month we will go through another change in our lives.  My Pyper will be getting her feeding tube placed.  Trinity's tube was a breeze but I feel Pyper's is going to be more of a challenge.  That challenge being Type 1 Diabetes.  I can handle the feeding tube.  Trinity's feeding tube has been one of our biggest blessings.  She is gaining weight, she is healthy and she is thriving.  I love it.  I pray that we get the same effects with Pypers. 

I would be crazy if I didn't say I was nervous.  I hate to see my kids in pain.  I hate to see them hurt.  If I could change places with her, I would in a minute.  I would give my life to protect them, cure them, make them better.  I would sacrifice my life for them. I would and I have and I will continue until they are cured or until I feel I can cut the rope.  I doubt that will ever happen.  Good luck to the men that think they will walk into their lives and sweep them off their feet.  He better get to sweeping b/c I am a big girl and it is going to take a lot to win this momma over. 

The girls are homebound right now through flu season.  We are still debating on homeschooling again next year b/c it is easier.  It is routine.  They had more freedom even though they miss their friends.  I will have to figure out a way to keep them with friends if we decide to do that again.  I like structure, I like routine, I like order. 

My heart will always be my girls.  They drive me nut crazy everyday but I can't stand to be away from them. I hate to even go to the grocery store.  I hurry through and get back home.  Greg is always like honey go tan, go to the gym. Nope, not me.  I am fine.  I will stay at home.  That is just what a mom does.  They love with every ounce of their being, they sacrifice their own lives for their kids, and they do it with grace...

Right now, pyper is eating, trinity is on her phone b/c she is a teenager and that is what they do, and greg is sleeping.  We are all in the same room together. We are always together.  I love that about us.  I love that we are always together.  I love being a family, a mom, and having my blessings right in front of me everyday.  Thank you god for all of my blessings.  Big and small. 

Keep us in your prayers come March 19th, b/c we will be admitted for Pyper's tube placement.  Pray for comfort, pray for easy placement, pray that her sugars are easy to manage and that she starts to gain, and pray for the doctors and nurses that will be beside her during her surgery.  Pray for god to guide Dr. Bambini's hands and get my baby back to me quick and doing great. 

My Heart and My Life are Greg, Trinity and Pyper and even my 4 pound yorkie dog...

All my love
Martie
Mother of two amazing fighters and wife to an amazing man. 
Blessed#Loved#amazedthatgodhasfaithinme.....

Just A MOM!!!!!

Our lives have changed drastically over the last few weeks.  Greg sent me a text one day and says he feels bad b/c the girls don't get to have normal lives...

That led this mother on a crazy journey with the girls.  I waited for them to wake up and I ask them:  Do you girls want to go back to school?   Trinity said I do momma and Pyper said I want friends.  So what does that leave this mother to do?  It left me to get them ready and get them registered back in public school. 

My heart broke but it also made me realize my girls are more than fighters, they are two of the sweetest, most loving, little girls who both have the biggest personalities ever.  They are more social than most kids who have been thrown into daycare from day one.  They are the light of my life.

I found me a prn job and my life has changed.  I hate it.  I don't lie.  I just want to be the one who picks my girls up from school, and who sees them wave and smile when they see me waiting in line.  I want to be that person.  I want to be there for my girls.  I am their mother.  I am their biggest fan.  I am complete with them.  I have cried more in the last month, than I think I have ever cried.  I miss them.  I miss us.. I miss our times being together all day long.  I miss my life.  Greg keeps saying: I didn't tell you to go back to work.  No he didn't but with medicine cost going up everytime I order, then what does that leave me  to do?  WORK!!!!!!!!

I want my life back, I want my heart back, I want it all but can't have it all.  I want to be a mom.  That is what I want. 

Two weeks into school and Pyper is wheezing like crazy, Trinity has a cough, and greg keeps laughing at me b/c he knows he didn't tell me to go to work.  I just want to break..  Break down b/c I need to work, break down b/c I want to be home, break down just b/c I need it.  lol. 

So the girls are loving school, and I am losing my damn mind.  I am lost.  I am not lazy but god knows my heart is with my girls.  I want to be close incase they need me, I want to be just a minute away to get to them quick, I want to be there for football games, lunches, and just be there for whatever they need.  I want to be a mom.  Hello my name is Martie and I am a mom.  Nothing more, nothing less... I am a mom who loves her girls more than anything.  A mom who wants to watch them grow and a mom who wants to love them more than life itself.  A MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

where are you at

Where are you god??????




Today has been one of those days were I feel I am fighting a battle I can't win.  That battle is CYSTIC FIBROSIS.........  For the last 2 years, I have given everything I have to protect my girls and still their lung functions are low, and poor pyper is fighting battles I don't think, anyone should have to fight.  Sometimes in life I have battles.  I fight those battles and try to keep them to myself and then sometimes those battles win and I cry and cry.  Yesterday was one of those days.  One of those days were I just wanted god to tell me everything was going to be ok.  One of those days were I hugged my husband and I said I am fighting a BATTLE I can't win... Is Cystic Fibrosis going to win?  Is Cystic Fibrosis going to beat me?  If anyone knows the real me, they know I am a beast, a fighter, a person who want let someone hurt her, or run over her, or lie on her or hurt her children or husband.  I am a fighter b/c that is all I have ever known.  I fight for our family, I fight for us, I fight CYSTIC FIBROSIS each and everyday with everything I have in me.  I fight it... Cystic Fibrosis is a ufc fight, a fight with mike Tyson, a fight with a mean bully at school.  Cystic Fibrosis is that one person u want to beat the shit out of but can't get your hands on them.  Cystic Fibrosis is my enemy.  My fear... The one and only thing that I think can take me down.  Take me down with my girls. 


Fear is awful and not knowing the future is worse.  Is there a cure? Is there a better way to win cystic fibrosis?  Is there a medicine on the way to make my girls life easier?  IS THERE????????????????
Fear eats me alive everyday.  I continue to smile, and no one other than my husband sees my fear.  He knows b/c he can read it on my face.  He sees through me like no other.  He sees my battles, he sees my fear, and he sees that on one side I feel I am doing the right thing by protecting them until a medicine comes and on the other I feel I am letting them down and keeping them from great times and being around someone with a cold or runny nose who is a friend they just want to see.  FEAR is just as bad and CF.......




Love is the best.  I love my girls with everything I have in me.  I love them more than I love myself.. I love them more than god.. That is another battle that I hope god understands.  I love them more than anything on earth.  I just want to protect them and keep them from evil.  That evil being cystic fibrosis, and diabetes, and neuropathy, and feeding tubes, and asthma.  That evil being so mean and cruel.  Love gets me through so much.  I look at them and I see two healthy beautiful little girls who are growing up quickly.  I look at them and I see love.  I see my heart, and I see my life.... Love is not cruel.  Love is beautiful.. Love is what keeps me going everyday even when I feel like I am losing.  LOVE!!!!!!!!!




So this is my question: where are you at GOD????? where are you when I need you and my girls need you and my husband needs you?  Where are you at?  I feel the devil everyday try to take me but I don't feel you.  Are you there?  Are you with us?  are you by my side through all this stuff?  are you with me?  Are you protecting my girls?  Are you going to keep them safe, and healthy? Do you have my back?  I know the answers to these questions but sometimes I feel you left us.. I know you seen us through some terrible times, and seen my girls through some awful times.  I know you are there.. I have scares and fears that I ask you a lot to protect us through.  Are you there?  I feel there are times that I know you heard me.  Like a simple request the day a friend died, I felt you by the crazy birds I ask for at her funeral. Am I the only one that saw them?  am I the only one who heard them?  I ask for clarification that she was in heaven b/c she went so quick I wasn't sure she had time to ask god to be with her.. I felt you the day of my grandfathers passing, I felt peace with him.  Those feelings are crazy.  I felt you when trinity was in the hospital with some of the worst bacteria's and you showed me a sign by the room number which happened to be our anniversary.  You showed me family.  So I do know that you are beside me through everything but there are times I feel alone.   Show me your glory?. Show me that I am making the right decisions?  Show my girls that you are with them and never going to forsake them?  Show me that my girls are going to be ok?  SHOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!