what has 11 years brought to me....

TOmorrow will be 11 years since my big girl came into mine and my husband's life.  Trinity will be 11 years old tomorrow.  She has made it through so much and has shown me everyday what is most important in life.  My family is.. My hubby and my girls.  This time 11 years ago, i was probably sitting around and getting ready for the amniocentesis i was suppose to have on the 26th and then have her on the 27th of March.  3 1/2 weeks early from her original due date of April 13th.  We had no idea we carried the cf genes and we had no idea what the next few months of our life detailed. 

On the morning of March 26th, we had to be at the hospital around 6am for a 8 am amnio.  He came in, and placed the needle in and brought out green fluid.  I thought wow it is green.  It never crossed my mind that anything was wrong.  I didn't know what color it was suppose to be.  lol.  The doctor never made a face of concern.  He had his game face on and it didn't leave.  I had to stay for 2 hours after procedure to make sure everything was ok.  My mother in law was with me and Greg had to leave to go to work. He left and I was waiting on my biscuit I was going to get from Bojangles once we left the hospital.  The nurse came in and looked at the strip for Trinity's heart rate and my mother in law said how much longer do you think it will be before she gets to leave b/c she is diabetic and hungry.  She said you aren't going anywhere. He is taking the baby today.  I busted out crying.  I called Greg and told him to hurry back b/c they were taking Trinity.  Her heart rate was down and she was under stress and the green fluid was actually bowel movement.  My doctor never faultered.  He cancelled his whole morning in the office to be with me and deliver my beautiful baby girl via c-section.  I remember seeing her for the first time, hearing that first cry and seeing mine and gregs life change forever.  It changed to love not just for us but for the life of our baby girl.  It changed to fighters, strength, fear, worry, love, and so much more. 
The next 2 1/2 months were a blur.. 2 1/2 months of fear and worry b/c this momma knew something wasn't right.  She was vomiting so bad and pooping like crazy all day long.  She was failure to thive and she was starving to death. She was a fighter beyond anything you could ever imagine.  She started to swell and the doctor thought she had a heart condition.  We were sent to sanger heart and that is were we were admitted for the diagnosis of Cystic Fibrosis.  I remember the doctors coming in and out, the enzyme training, the vitamin training, them telling us that couples a lot of times face divorce once they have news like this.  I was 25 years old and yes i was grown but growing up is exactly what i had to do.  I had to become the beast that I am. The fighter, the med giver, the vest do'er, the nebulizer mom, the vitamin giver, the enzyme carrying, force feeding my child to gain weight, crying, screaming, mother..

Trinity is the most amazing caring little girl in the world.  She has faced more than most people in 11 years than most of you face in a life time. She has rocked out every obstical that has come her way.  Yes she has been scared, and worried.  She has seen me cry and be scared and freak out from worry.  She has the heart of gold, she has my worry and she is an amazing big sister to her sister.  She is the only one who knows how to work her baby sisters insulin pump, give her enzymes, do her vest and nebulizers for her cf and check her sugar. She will have blood drawn and not flinch.. She is the most amazing little girl god has ever put on this planet other than her sissy who is just a big a fighter as Trinity is.

I remember wanting kids.  I remember wanting a little girl, I remember wanting to hold her and love her and take care of her.  Boy did I do that.  She came into this world ready for love and she has got it everyday straight for 11 years and I pray she gets it everyday for another 80 years.  She is my heart, her daddys soul, her sissys best friend, my best friend.. She is the one I tell all my stories to and all my drama to.. Our family is complete bc of our two girls. 

Greg and I don't have a lot of time for friends, and outings and drama, and doing this and that or being around people who are sick, or bull crap in our lives. We can't take that chance.  It's weird b/c our family does everything together.  You see one of us, you see all of us. We are complete b/c our puzzle fits together in 4 pieces. Greg, Martie, Trinity and Pyper.. I have been ask would I change anything in my girls life.  I think about that question and I realize if I could change them having cf then i would but if it would change our family then I don't think I would do it.  The bond we all have together is amazing.  The love we have for one another is amazing, the fights we have together are crazy but filled with love.  I would die today if I could take away their cf, diabetes, feeding tubes.  I would give them one last kiss and tell them how proud i am of them and give them all my love.  What they don't seem to realize is they have both had my heart and love since the day they came into this world. Greg the same thing.

There daddy loves them so much and he would do anything for them.  He works so i can stay at home with them and take care of them.. He is amazing and he gave me two amazing little fighters.  He is my rock and I am his and I love him more and more everyday b/c all he has sacrificed for us. 

Tomorrow will be a great day but also a sad day for me b/c my baby is growing up and I hate it.  I am watching her turn into an amazing little woman, and watching her change everyday, watching her attitude come out and that is going to be fun to handle, and watching the women she will turn out to be.  Thank you god for my blessings.. Big and strong, scary and fearing, worrying and all my blessings.  Thank you so much..

Martie T.

MOMMAS LOVE

The last week seems like it has been a bit crazy.  Pyper's sugars are going up and down.  The other night when it dropped so low, i was scared for her, scared for our family, scared that I was losing her.  I watched my ten year old child grab my hand and say with tears streaming down her face, mom lets pray, and beg her daddy to call 911 because she was so scared.  I held Pyper in my arms as she cried and was lifeless and jerked in my arms.  It was like I had that moment were I seen our house without her and I was losing it.  Trinity kept screaming, mommy I can't lose my sissy.  I had no idea that she came in the livingroom when me and  Greg were trying to get Pyper to eat something and she got on her knees and put her hands up and ask god to make her sissys sugar go up.  When 911 got here she was finally starting to come around but once we got back in ambulance she started getting low again and he started an iv and she was good and back to my little Pyper.  So full of life.  Thank you god for getting Pyper better... I watched that Pnut go from lifeless to give me your phone mommy so I can send daddy a picture of my arm were the ambulance guy hurt me.  Then she started texting her sissy and they were telling each other I love you.  That touched my heart more than you will ever know.  They fight a lot but I know the love they have for one another is unbreakable.  I know that Trinity loves her sissy more than words could ever say b/c I seen it in her face.  I seen her fear, I seen through her and she could see through me.  We both seen fear in our eyes.  Greg stayed calm and said Martie I have dealt with you and your sugars for years, I got this.  Well Me and Trins didn't let him get it.. We freaked out.  Staying calm when its your child is not a strong suit for me.  We wanted help right then.. Waiting I don't do well.  My Pyper is fine now.  Still causing Trinity and Me to freak out with her sugars.  A lot of finger pokes... Scary: YES!!!!!!!!!

My Trinity is just as amazing as Pyper.  She is my right hand.  She is me other than looking like her daddy.  She worries about everything. She is scared for her sister.  She is a little momma hen and I love that.  She will tell her daddy in a minute, you are not doing this or that.  Yep, thats my baby.  lol.  Greg doesn't have a chance when it comes to us 3 women.  Trinity has gone back to not eating a lot and I can't stand that.  I want her to eat.  I don't want her to live off of feeds at night.  She want eat anything.  I could offer her any fast food place and nope.  I don't want it.  It scares me for her.  She is not losing weight, b/c of all the night feeds but I just want her to be like us and want to eat. 

Right now we are still homebound.  I don't know if I will let that change for this year.  We seem to be doing good and they are staying healthy it seems.  Thank god. Home schooling is next for us, I have a feeling.  With Pyper and her sugars and asthma and cf, I just feel I need to keep my hands on her and with Trinity and the last bacteria she grew which is gone but I don't want to take any chances.  I want to let them see the world but I am so scared.  I want to keep them with me forever and really what is wrong with that.  A lot of parents don't have what I have.  They go to work, they send their kids to school, the parents go and do this and that.. I'm not saying that is bad, but I love us all being together. I go to the gym for 1 hour one day a week with Greg.  That is my out.  I am sad when I am gone that long. I don't like leaving them. I got it bad.  I know. Trust me when I was pregnant, I said oh i am going to work, they are going to daycare, I am not breastfeeding.  Boy, what a difference.. Once I seen Trinity, I was gone.  The old Martie left and a mom entered.  A crazy mom sometimes, but a mom took over.  I fell in love with both my girls and leaving them was not something I could do.  My heart melted seeing them. 

GG is doing good. He is working his new route and getting home later so that makes me sad but he is a great daddy.  He Has a lot on him and he always keeps going.  Sometimes, I feel he is the one who is worried and he keeps it in.  I tell him everything.  I tell him my fears, I cry to him.  A man keeps their stuff in and don't let it out.  Boy, not me.  lol.  I love my family so much.  They drive me bat crap crazy somedays and that is ok b/c that is what they are suppose to do. Thank you god for my beautiful family.  I love them more than life itself.  I love you gg, trins, and pnut.  You three make my heart melt everyday.  I fall more and more in love with all of you every single day.  A mommas love is unconditional.  Thank you god for my blessings.  They are amazing. 
Mommas LOVE,
Martie