I AM MAD

The last week or two has been a bit crazy for us.  I left my job that I started about a month or two ago because i was getting calls a bunch for Pyper and her diabetes and then they both got sick with coughs.  I think Pypers was her asthma flaring up. 
Pyper's blood sugars have been going crazy so I took her to the doctor last week and he did a bunch of blood work.  I got a call this last week that her blood work was good except one test.  Her celiac disease test came back borderline positive.  I was sitting in the car by myself b/c my husband had walked in a store.  I was kinda speechless with the doctor.  The last time he gave me bad news when Pyper was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, i lost it.  He kept saying now mom I don't want you to hurt yourself.  I wasn't going to hurt myself, I was a mom, devastated with her daughters new diagnosis.  He stayed on the phone with me.  He kept talking.  I think he was waiting to see if I was going to lose it again.  The thought crossed my mind.  I think I was in shock.  My baby has Cystic Fibrosis, Type 1 diabetes, and Asthma and now possible celiacs disease.  WHY!!!!!!
This is something I have never said to anyone i don't think, but I am mad.. I am not questioning god for giving me these babies, because I know I am going to fight for them.  God better get ready b/c this mom will win.  I am mad because why us, why me, why greg, why trinity... WHY, WHY, WHY!!!!!  My babies are our world.  We live, eat, and breathe our girls.  Why do they have to suffer?

I always knew I wanted to be a mom.  I did everything right when I got pregnant.  I loved feeling them move inside me, I loved watching my belly go crazy, I loved putting my belly up against gregs back and letting Trinity kick him b/c she stayed up at night and slept during the day.. Boy did she ever, when she came out.  lol.  Pyper was a mover though.  She kicked a lot more than her sissy.  They always say god gives his special babies to special people.  I agree 100%... I look at some people and say to myself, i know they couldn't do what I do. 

I wonder why god thinks I am so special?  God forgive me for asking but I think a lot about  if god thinks I will be strong enough to face death??? God I can tell you now: NO, NO, NO!!!! I had a friend ask me the other week at work; Martie have you ever thought about your future with your girls and what you will do, if something happens.  We cried together b/c I actually told her, I think I would take my own life if I lost one of my girls. I know I would go to HELL but I think I would already be in hell if I lost one of them.  Call me selfish for saying that but I don't think I would survive.  I am mad because I have to think about that or mad because I get ask that.. Yes we all are placed on this planet for a certain time, and yes I know god has my time planned out and he has my girls plan mapped out but I am mad.
God, I am mad at you.. Mad that my babies are the chosen ones, mad that I am the chosen one.  I am just mad.  I am hard.. I am mean.. I don't have time for friends, or fun, and I definelty don't have time for bullshit in my life.  Im mad that people think I am mean.  Mad that people think it is ok to hurt me, when I know I am a good friend.  I am just mad... GOD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING THAT... I want let you down with my girls but I have to get that off my chest whether in prayer or typing it out.  I got this..   Man, do I have this. I will fight so hard for my babies.  Whether it be making gluten free food if that is what the future holds for us.  I pray no but if god wants me to fight more than i will do it.  I am beginning to laugh a little b/c god knows i never thought of myself as  a cook.  Boy, I really might be eating those words...
As I end this, I want to say something that made me type this.  Yesterday at my moms church, her preacher got up and said, I see a lot.  I can see certain things in here that you can't see.  The look on my face was omg, he can read my face, he can see my pain, he can see that I am mad... Then it made me think.  Can everybody see my hurt, my pain behind my smile and big puppy dog eyes?  Can everyone see my fear of losing my babies?  Can you see it? 
I hide it well or atleast I try to but god I am mad.  I'm sorry I feel this way.. I want to see my babies grow old, I want to have 2 huge weddings and party with my babies and me and greg get even broker having 2 princess weddings, I want to pay for college educations, I want to buy cars, I want to get that call that mom I am in labor... Yes I want all of those things.  GOD, i know our plans are already mapped out in heaven, but please know that I am weak but strong.  I will fight until the day I die for my girls and then when I get to heaven, I will fight you then to cure them and all the others fighting these terrible diseases. 

a mad mom,

martie
mother of two fighters (trins and pnut) and a wife of an amazing man (gg).....