Yesterday was one of those days that takes you to your knees. The CF community lost a beautiful sole. A fighter until the very end. A lot of people don't understand how a person you have never met can impact your life so much. As a lot of you are aware: both my girls have Cystic Fibrosis. So needless to say my heart breaks every time I see a person with this disease suffer. I look at my two girls and I see absolute love, joy, happiness, and faith. I am strong because of them. I have realized a lot the last year of my life. I actually realized the day I became a mother that what I wanted and needed are two totally different things.
I never want to miss anything with my girls. I don't want to miss one track meet, one football Friday night, one drum lesson, one basketball game, etc.etc. I have missed a few the last two weeks and it kills me. So many people tell me you need to work, you need to let go, you need to have a life. Thanks for your information but being a mom is my number one. I see that in almost 15 years of Trinity's life we have done something right with her Cystic Fibrosis. Not going to put down because I don't speak on it. We stay positive and keep our heads up, and I push them. Greg and I push our girls. Some may say we shouldn't but we do for a reason. We never want them to give up hope. I am a no bull crap kinda woman. Always have been. I speak the truth. I tell my girls the truth. I don't sugar coat anything with them because that is a lie. My girls know with me they get honesty. Sometimes Trinity doesn't like it but I do it because I want her and Pyper to always know I will give them the truth, even if it hurts sometimes.
Last year I started having tremors and shaking when I went back to work. I was tested with an mri thinking parkinsons, or something else. We also did an extensive work up on my thyroid thinking it was that again. Then I was told I have essential tremors. I was put on medicine and nothing helped except being in my house with my kids and husband. I finally started realizing that I am suffering from anxiety attacks. This is not something I would ever think would happen to me. I never let stuff get to me. It is like I can't control my adrenaline level. When I go to watch Trinity run track, my legs shake, my insides jerk, and my hands start shaking. I literally have to talk myself off the ledge. I don't sleep a lot, my mind never stops, and I am constantly worried about my girls. I am trying to get me back. I am on medicine now and I see some improvements but not enough yet. I have always had my shit together and this last year, I haven't felt like me at all. I can feel myself start to get uncomfortable in Walmart in crowds or when I am standing in line and someone gets close. I hate being at gym and someone getting on treadmill beside me. They are in my space. I hate it. I don't mind my husband which is weird but he is my comfort and so are my kids. I told Greg I realized that I am most comfortable at home, with them, and in Foodlion. GO figure. lol. My comfort places. Why can't it be a tropical island? My sister told me along time ago she can't believe I am not in a padded room with all I have on me. lol. Not going to happen. I will take medicine even though I hate it because medicine makes me feel like I am a failure, like I can't get better without help, and it makes me feel weak. One thing I am not is WEAK!!!!!!
Trinity and Pyper are doing good. Pyper has missed a lot of school this year but she is still in and that is a huge blessing. I think sometimes I have kept her home when I should send her with a runny nose but I am not one of those moms. lol. She is loving her friends, school, drums, and gymnastics. Trinity is on the move. Football games, basketball games, band, and track, gymnastics and then we start over. She amazes me everyday because she is constantly moving. We are working on getting her back to tip top shape. She seems to be feeling better now and we are grateful for that. Her mile run she did on Thursday at track meet was 7 minutes and 41 seconds. Not her best at all because last year she was 6 minutes and 56 seconds. She was disappointed in herself but like I told Greg, she doesn't realize how amazing she is. She has a lung disease and can run like that and she has been sick and the track meet was freezing that day. To me: she is a rock star. Heck I can't run one lap without dying. She is amazing. Greg has been pushing himself hard to get to her time last year. Umm, he has got 7 minutes and 7 seconds. Good for an old man but Trinity still has him. lol. He amazes me because he pushes Trinity to get better. He is a beast workout wise.
The Turners are doing good. A few bumps in the road but we are on the move. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and try. Try everyday to get better, be better, and make the best of everyday. My words of wisdom are: Be the change, be the smile, be the light for someone because you never know what someone is thinking, how someone feels, or what may be going on with them. BE THE CHANGE!!!! Oh and love.
Dedicated mom and wife
Martie
