All I know how to be is a mom and a wife...

All my love, all my heart, all my life I waited to be a mom.  Being a mom is my greatest gift.. I will join all the other moms who work tomorrow and start back into the workforce.  I have been home almost 5 years and this is the hardest thing for me to do.  I need to work for our family, I need to work to have double coverage for our girls on insurance, I need to work to help us out financially but the thoughts of someone else taking care of my girls: KILLS ME!!!!  I know its my mother in law and I know she will take care of my babies but it isnt me.  I have taken care of my babies and gave it my all.  My heart is absolutely broken because I feel like I am letting them down.  I just told my husband, our babies both have cf and they both have done great.  No daycare, no over exposure to germs, no nothing and now I am getting ready to hand over control to someone else and also my youngest one starts school in August.  I will now have to worry about two of them in school.  I just told Greg, I am losing control.  As I type this tears are streaming down my face.  I feel like I need a shot of something.  My girls are playing and yesterday when I broke down: they both looked at me and said mom we are going to be fine and then Pyper said mom are you going to be ok.  They are worried about me and I am dying with worry for them.  My heart and soul has been them for 5 years.  I have been home almost everyday for 5 years.  I worked some but not a lot.  I have gave it my all.  I have gave my heart, soul, myself to make sure they are taken care of. 
Everybody is like this is going to be good for you.  I agree completely but I am not one of these moms who looks at my children as let someone else do the work while i work.  I am not saying that mean but I am a hands on mom.  The day we got my first daugthers diagnoses: I changed.  I didn't care what anyone thought of me, I didn't care if i pissed you off, I didnt care if I hurt your feelings b/c all my love, and care was my babies.  Is that mean, yeah it probably is but I changed that day in CMC hospital.  I turned into a strong, fighting, germ crazed maniac for my girls.  I will not lose my girls to CF, and I will fight until the day I die for them.  I was given my girls b/c I am strong, and because god saw something in me.  He saw the fight I have, he saw the love I have, he saw me when I was in highschool thinking about the type of mother I would be.  I wanted kids from the day I met my husband.  I wanted babies.  God made me special as well. Two uterus, a follopian tube not attached to anything, type 1 diabetes and I had two beautiful babies.  Medically, I probably shouldnt have ever had kids but God saw different.  He wanted me to be these girls mother.  It took along time for me to see, my gift.  My girls are gods gift to me.  Thank you god so much for making me the mom I am.  For making me a strong ass kicking mother who will do anything for my babies. 
I got this.  I pray I do.  God give me the strength I need to go into this job and kick ass like I always have.  I can work, and take care of my babies and my husband as I always have.  I just have to be willing to let someone else help me do this and that kills me.  God show me the way.  Keep our family safe and keep doing what you have done for us.  Thank you god for this job you have given me as a mother and now a clinical assistant and a wife.  I got this.  I want let you down.  I promise.  show me the way. 
Trinity and Pyper and Greg:  I love you three so much.. You three are my world.  I will always be here for you... I only know how to be a mother and a wife.  Now I need to put back on my working face and do all three: mom, wife and worker.  I LOVE YOU THREE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!  Now its time to put on my game face.  My strong face and kick ass.  I always show everyone my strong face.  What a lot of people don't see with me is my broken heart.. I never show it.  My mom I think is the only one who has really seen me break down and that wasnt bad.  When Pyper was diagnosed with diabetes: I felt like i was on a cliff and about to jump.  Not because I was mad but b/c I gave my baby something else to have to fight.  Not just CF but now diabetes and trinity a feeding tube.  I didnt jump off that cliff.  I got mad, screamed at my mom and came back ready to fight.  Sorry mom for my meltdown.  That melt down, i think made me even stronger than before.
Ok, so its time to clean house to keep me busy.  If I dont I will cry all day..
If you think i am not nice or non social, then you are wrong. I am a mom with a heart for her girls and husband. I don't have time for anything else in my life.  I am me.  I am a wonderful person inside and out.  I am a strong woman, and I got this.  Now its time to stop crying and do the damn thing.
All my love,

Trins and Pypers mom (Martie)